A Dream Within a Dream

12:59pm: Dear Lj,
  I missed you somethin' fierce, old buddy. Where'd the time go?

Haven't posted in forever, but I'm determined to make a comeback. Too much to recap before class, but don'cha worry- plenty of postin' time with this new-fangled thing called time management. Apparently, it's working. Who would've guessed starting a paper way before it's due reduces stress by exponential amounts?

I took last semester off for recovery, and I don't think I've ever made a better choice. I worked at spain park high school as pit mistress/ drum tech and worked on research for my honors thesis. Potentially dangerous to tackle such a big project given my former inability to commit to anything. It's therapeutic, and Dr. Kim is an awesome mentor and advisor. The thesis? A cultural study about the normalization and perpetuation of eating disorders through nonstandard literature with an examination of victorian society's virtues for women (purity, piety, submissiveness, and domesticity) and the manifestation of those virtues in today's culture. Wow. That looks pretty wicked.

Classes this time around are interesting and mind-blowing but manageable. 20thCent Critical Theory and Lit, Shakespeare, Advanced HY of the English Lang., and Honors Thesis. Just have to take it one day at a time.

Some pretty awesome things: my sweet nephew Nolan (alias Capt. Adorable) is 10 months old, I got my nose pierced in september, reconnected with my high school sweetheart (the good one lol), fell in love with my high school sweetheart (the good one... that never gave up on me), started hand sewing random projects out of vintage tees, fell in love with thrift stores, bought my sweet bike from goodwill and can't stop feeling like a giddy kiddy everyday i ride it, started going to Deaf Church, met so many beautiful people through Deaf Church and now am pursuing interpreting as a career, and l've loved myself more in these past few months than I have my entire life. God has gotten me through the toughest part of my life yet. He's teaching me daily how to seek His approval and not the world's. Dieting, perfection, 4.0, physical beauty- they're all fading away more and more, and I love this new life I've found. Madness huh?

It's funny how you find you enjoy your life when you're happy to be alive.

6:31pm: Wow.
First time posting in months. I had saved this draft from my last attempted post: May 27, 2008

Amazing how fast a month flies by. Nolan is two months old today. Amazing. Much of May was spent in huntsville just basking in the awesomeness that is my nephew. The rest was mostly just staring into space and trying not to think too hard. About April. About the last year of my life. It'd be nice to just pick out some of the good moments and dwell on them, but it seems like it's all or nothing at the moment.

So I've been sitting here for a while, trying to find a good segue into this, but nothing's really coming to mind. Which is how I feel when I try to verbalize to other people what's going on with me. Lots of "ummm's" and awkward nothing's until it just finally stumbles out of my mouth: I've been diagnosed with an eating disorder. Have been. Am dealing. Of all the disorders I could see myself having, I really never pictured myself with this one (perhaps hypochondria should be added to the list) . What with my healthy obsessions about my weight and body image and my irrational anxieties about food and my perfectly normal binges and purges .... Never saw this one coming actually.

I honestly didn't think I had a problem because I wasn't skinny enough to have "that" problem...which was/is the problem (more logic, please!). Apparently you don't have to be emaciated or obese to have e.d., and surprisingly (to me anyway) many people who have it are somewhere in the middle, where I've found myself. I was diagnosed during finals week. Awesome timing. A medical leave from school was discussed (because I'd been having more frequent panic attacks), but we decided that I'd come too far to quit right before finals. It was tempting, though. To just give up. To be taken away and taken care of and not have to explain or face anybody. Very tempting. But I'm done running from it. I started treatment the week after. A whole lot harder than I expected. I didn't expect to spend several weeks discussing and dissecting my whole life to even pinpoint where and when and how and why this started. It's the first step. Second starts tomorrow when I meet with a nutritionist who works with my e.d. specialist. Third step is meeting with a regular psychiatrist to help with anxiety and depression. I'm really not sure how many steps are involved, but I'm assuming it's the as-many-steps-as-it-takes program.

As much as it sucks, knowing that there is something actually wrong (and that it's not just all in my head) is comforting. It explains alot to me. It helps me see why I've avoided people and why i've run away from any possible relationships lately, why I've wanted to live alone, eat alone

10:28pm: brb.
So my semester's officially over, and I'm very sorry for not posting in over two months. I can say without a doubt it has been the toughest couple of months of my life. I'll go ahead and give this school year the Most Insanely Complicated and Chaotic Year Award as well. Some amazing things have happened too, though, and I know that there's just as much goodness (if not more) to counteract the pain. Let's do a quick (ha.) recap.

-I met my nephew on March 28th, and I fell in love instantly. He is beautiful and simply the most amazing person in the world to me. I can't wait to  hold him again, to just watch him take in everything with those big blue eyes. I'm so honored to be his aunt, and I can't wait to spoil him, love him, teach him, and so much more. Lizzy's a great mom, and it just blows my mind every time I see her now. I'm just so proud and in awe of her.

-Today was my last day as a member of the UAB Band  program. No more drum major. No more bassoon. No more percussion (for the moment). Not at uab. I've known for a while I was leaving, and I told Ms. S in mid March. Of course my reasons were insufficient and I was making the "worst decision of my life," but i've made so many of those that it's really nothing new. I feel like it should be harder leaving band. Like there should be a bigger internal struggle about my passion and my duty and my responsibility to others, but I don't feel anything at the moment about it. I finished my last song, said goodbye to anyone who said it to me, helped move percussion equipment, and then drove away. No regret but no relief either. I might be in this limbo for a while as I try and comprehend what the last 10 years of hard work and play meant to me. I'm sure I'll dedicate a great many long late-nite posts to this subject, but right now, it's time to move on.

-I'm not leaving the band world entirely, though. I just accepted a job offer to be the percussion tech at Spain Park High School this summer and fall. Pretty wicked. The new perc. instructor was una's drumline captain a few years ago, and he knows Mr. Waters from way back. I talked to him on Monday, and I really wasn't prepared for the madness of the conversation. He said he saw me perform in hs when he was at una. He said he loved my performance and my technique was good, so when he found out I was in bham and he could hire an assistant, he really wanted me to be on his staff. I'm sure he was blowing some sunshine, but he was persistent and kept saying he would do anything to work with my schedule. I'm just reeling over the fact that he remembered me, that he sought me out and trusts me to take care of his pit. He's from una and friends with Waters, so I feel like we'll have alot of the same ideas about discipline and style, which makes me smile more than I have in a while. To be a part of a drumline again that is dedicated to working hard and kicking butt has been my dream since i left MS. The pay is great (I'll be on Hoover city schools payroll...sweet irony), and I'll be teaching at every rehearsal and camp this summer and also teach through the fall. Ryan wants me on competitions, paid too, which is just icing on the perfect job cake. Delicious.

-I'll be taking the fall semester prettty easy. Maybe 3 classes, but I'm not going to push it. I need a break and not just from band. I'll be taking one summer class, so I'll still be in the bham area alot. I can't wait to hang out in huntsville with lizzy and nolan, though.

-There are a few more things that need to be written about....I suppose I don't *need* to talk about them, but being open and honest with several people has already helped alot. I'm ready to deal with them, and I'll be ready to share them soon, but for now I just ask for your prayers and positive thoughts. Be good to yourselves and each other :-)

10:09pm: I want to punch UAB in the face. Hard.
And kick it in the shin.

 All the while saying really terrible things about its mother.

So I'm not in the Shoals as planned. I'm here. In this room that I'm really starting to despise. Working on homework that never seems to end. It shouldn't be like this.

For a study break, Death Cab and I took a nice hike through southside. Ventured through some neighborhoods I'd never seen before, and it was perfect exploration weather. I ended up at Golden Temple in 5 points, which is my new favorite restaurant. I was enjoying my mung bean soup and tofu salad salad immensely when an old hippie struck up a conversation with me. Also a yoga master, he told me about a new class he's trying to start up. I can't remember his new age name given to him in the 60's by the priest of his new age religion, but his first birth name was Leon. I'm always down for some interesting conversation, but I quickly found out Leon didn't really like talking with me; he liked talking AT me. About love and tolerance and metaphysical well-being. But *especially* about how f-ing Christians are f-ing up the universe. And how unkind and hateful they are.

Yes, Leon. It's such a shame that we Christians are so negative and narrow-minded. I'm so very sorry we (all of us, because all Christians are just alike in their intolerance...obviously) are hindering you on your path to loving and respecting all beings. How rude of me...us.

P.S. No, I don't want to smoke pot with you, but how considerate of you to share.

P.P.S. Please don't call me 'baby' unless you're using it to acknowledge the 40-year gap between us, which I don't think you are.


...But what am I doing right now? Perpetuating the negativity. I can't win.

Excerpts from one of my favorite poems, The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock

Do I dare	45
Disturb the universe?
In a minute there is time
For decisions and revisions which a minute will reverse.
For I have known them all already, known them all:—
Have known the evenings, mornings, afternoons,	50
I have measured out my life with coffee spoons;
I know the voices dying with a dying fall
Beneath the music from a farther room.
So how should I presume?

And I have known the eyes already, known them all—         55 The eyes that fix you in a formulated phrase, And when I am formulated, sprawling on a pin, When I am pinned and wriggling on the wall, Then how should I begin To spit out all the butt-ends of my days and ways?         60   And how should I presume? [.....] And would it have been worth it, after all,
After the cups, the marmalade, the tea,
Among the porcelain, among some talk of you and me,
Would it have been worth while,	90
To have bitten off the matter with a smile,
To have squeezed the universe into a ball
To roll it toward some overwhelming question,
To say: “I am Lazarus, come from the dead,
Come back to tell you all, I shall tell you all”—	95
If one, settling a pillow by her head,
Should say: “That is not what I meant at all.
That is not it, at all.”

9:53pm: And indeed there will be time...
I'm tired of complaining. I'm tired of having reasons to complain, but those will always exist; hopefully, my recent negative attitude will not.  I'm sure I'll be saying this every semester 'til I graduate, but this is DEFINITELY the hardest semester yet. If I'm not reading, I'm writing and vice versa, but usually I only have enough time to attempt both simultaneously (conclusion: failed attempt). I'd love to have time to enjoy my classes and appreciate what I'm reading in them, but I'm starting to realize college isn't for enjoyment (who'da thunk it?). I've been sitting at this computer for several hours trying to do a takehome midterm exam (all essay questions of course) and before that I was sitting for several hours studying for an environmental science lab test that I had to makeup. I had to miss the first go on it because I had a migraine attack and couldn't see or walk. The trigger? Lack of sleep due to studying. Oh, cruel irony.

I haven't had that much time to hang out with friends, but the time I do have, I've found myself avoiding people more and more. It really sucks to feel this way. I can't stop thinking about schoolwork and how I'm wasting so much time (obviously lj is *not* a waste of time) when I'm with people or even just on the phone. I find myself in these sudden panic modes where I feel like I can't get anything done, so I just shut down. I've had two sessions with my counselor, and she's really been helping me deal with alot of this. She understands alot of the guilt I feel for geeking out, like I don't trust God enough. She's opened my eyes to many things about myself and why I feel like I do right now. It's so odd-she gets me so well that I feel like we're friends, but then I realize it's her job to get me, and that she's probably dealt with a hundred "me's" before. Still, she has great advice and insight, and I can't imagine dealing with all this without her.

Met with Mr. Cuevas, one of my all-time favorite professors, today to talk about writing a recommendation for me. Talking with him is always fun, but this time we delved a little deeper. I explained alot of my stress with band (a whole other post) and school. He told me it was ok to screw up every now and then and didn't blatantly tell me to try and make a B in a class, but he was pretty honest about 4.0's not being that big of a deal. I want to believe him so badly. And every other person who says the same thing. And I want nothing more than to quit trying so hard all the time and to let myself off the hook maybe once. But I don't know how without feeling like a complete failure. It's on my to-do list.

I do realize there are some things I can do to make myself feel better. I went on a 4 day juice fast, and it really made me feel great. A very easy and fun detoxing. Of course, the next week was V-day, so i re-toxified my body, and I'm back where I started, so I'm starting another one in a week (can't waste all these groceries I just bought!). Giving up meat has also made me feel better. Not that I was eating steak everyday, but I just feel more sound not eating any of God's other creatures anymore. Right now, I don't feel like I ever want to eat meat again with all of the things I've discovered about factory farming and whatnot. I do love me some tofu dogs and veggie burgers, too, and I'm finding more cool recipes to try.

I'm setting up an appointment with a nutritionist and a personal trainer at the gym. I've been working out and trying to eat well for years, but I don't think I'm that effective at it, so my body will really welcome me getting some (more) professional help. Other cool things that have rocked my world recently?
-New (to me) car! JP bought mom a brand new honda crv, so I got her 2004, which is most excellent. I miss my baby ('97=best year for camry's ever), but i'm really enjoying not having a crazy oil leak that could cause my car to catch fire any second. A working cd player is nice too.
-Thrift store clothes. Golden Temple has some excellent second-hand stuff that makes me wonder why I've bothered shopping first-hand for so long.
-Long walks. Completely unromantic and completely wonderful. So far, I've conquered south side and Homewood (several times over), and Norrell and I just conquered downtown last saturday. We might actually hike on real mountains sometime!
-Autobiography of Malcolm X. Read it...by any means necessary...
-Baby shower (pre-emptive world rockage). Can't wait to see my beautifully pregnant sister and all of the wicked gifts she'll get on saturday.
-Rain. Simple enough. I love sitting in my room with my balcony door open and just listening. I love waiting at crosswalks for the white man to tell me to go (seriously, read Malcolm X) and just standing.

I know that there are too many good things in life to be pissed off and unhappy and stressed all the time. Lately, I just seem to know it a little less than usual.

11:38pm: It's been 7 hours and 15 days...
     Back again and not really sure where to start. 2008 has been interesting so far, if i may be so generic and vague. It's a different kind of challenge than last semester. But as always, way too much to do and less time to do it in. So much reading, but I love my classes (arthurian legend, american lit., celtic history, environmental science). Things are fairly good most of the time, except lately I've been getting more stressed and more upset over very little things. Perhaps it's all the bottled up anger and negativity from last semester leaking out. Perhaps it's all the last 4 or 5 years. Whatever it is, I just haven't been dealing well with it, so I'm doing something about it. Aunt Zanny recommended talking to a counselor, and i'm doing that on monday. I'd definitely appreciate some prayer and good thoughts :-)

    While you're praying or thinking good thoughts, add my wicked cool sister to the list. She's more pregnant than ever and due March 20th. Watching her go through this has been incredible. Plus, knowing that I'm going to have the most amazing nephew is quite nice too :-) It's kind of creepy to think of Lizzy as a mom but only til I think about how great of one she'll be (Awwww.).
 
    Tomorrow is my one-year-single anniversary. Wow. Amazing to think who i was/where I was a year ago. I'd like to expound on this, but it's too late already.

Here's just some random cool things about my life right now:
-Mom's quitting her job and employing herself! One step closer to writing her novel and opening our coffee shop/cafe/boutique/aerobics center
-I've given up meat. Just don't feel good eating it right now.
-Back in percussion ensemble!
-Letting my hair rest and going back to my natural color (gasp!)...whatever that may be.
-Searching for God in new ways.
-Baking lots of new things and trying new vegetarian meals.

Ok, none of that's remotely interesting, but it's where I'm at right now. Hopefully I won't be so tired the next time i get a hankerin' to post. Take care and God bless.

2:30pm: Forgive me, Lj.

   I finally have time to post! I guess I've had time over the break, but it's been hard to sit still. I've missed home. I've missed being able to breathe. I've missed sleep. And now I'm home for a whole nother week with absolutely nothing to do. I wish I could wrap my brain around the last couple months and do some kind of justice to the madness of this semester...but it just doesn't seem possible. I'll give it a try though.

  'I made it out alive' is about the best way to describe it. Amazingly I still made all A's in my hardest semester yet. I survived 301, the most dreaded english class known to man, and now I only have 3 semesters left of basically jus sweet literature classes.

   Being drum major was a very interesting experience this fall. Like I said in the beginning, I couldn't have done it without Sara's leadership and friendship. She made working for SS tolerable. Having Samuels on my case was (of course) not fun, and I felt myself absorbing some of her negativity, which I'm still trying to cleanse myself of. It's so tough dealing with that kind of attitude all the time, and I unfortunately feel alot worse for wear because of it. But enough of the bad stuff. Overall it was pretty life-changing, and I definitely learned alot about myself.

    I'm out for now. Time for a hair cut and some more relaxation. Have a great day!

 

3:51pm: My dog Abby
   Today, my dog, my sweet Abby, died. I went home this weekend, and I'm so glad I got to see her one last time. She was so sad and pitiful before she went, but I know she's not in any pain now, and for that I can be grateful. She had lost all use of her legs, and by saturday, she couldn't eat or drink. I went outside to love on her, and she barely even responded to me. She finally rested her head on my arm, and I just laid down with her and cried.

   I loved my baby girl so much, but I feel like I neglected her these past few years. I know I've been at college, but I could've loved her more the times I was home. We had her for over a decade, and in that decade I can see how much I changed. I wasn't a teenager yet when we got her, and spending hours with my dog was yet to be uncool. But then I got older and more selfish and made less time for her. Only when I left for college did I realize how much I loved her and how much more I should've cared for her.

   I don't care how childish it is to be so upset, but she was a part of our family. We loved her, and I really think she knew that, because she waited on us. She held on until we were all home and could see her again and say goodbye.

   Give someone a hug today and tell them how much they mean to you. Take care.

  

10:35am: HOLY CRAZY PANTS!!!
 I'm 21!!! I didn't feel any older at 19 and 20, but all of a sudden here I am, even more officially an adult. 

Question: So how will I be celebrating this monumental occassion?

Answer:   SOBER.

I don't feel ready to drink at all. I'm not scared, I just know myself. Even if I won't drink just to get drunk, I'm still not comfortable with that image of myself. Not saying that drinking makes someone a bad person, but I really want to focus on my witness and how I'm representing Christ. Yes, I know Christ drank wine too ( I love when people throw that one at me), and I could possibly show how to drink responsibly in public, but I'm just not ready to attempt that yet.

Don't worry, kids, I'll still be having some fun today. What better way to celebrate a birthday than with a giant, dangerous bonfire? Homecoming week has rocked so far, and it'll only get crazier from here on out.

Today is the first real October day, and I'm in love all over again with autumn. I try and explain it ever year, but I never do Fall justice. October is officially the best month in the world. Ever. Some of the coolest people's birthdays, Halloween, marching season in full-swing, apple cider, and a feeling of God in Nature like I've never felt before.

So I'm gonna get out of this dorm room, dress adorably 21, and enjoy God's awesome gifts. Have a wonderful day!

8:47pm: Long time gone
But now I'm back. Quite alot of life has happened since my last post, and I finally have time to sit down and write about it all.

So the first game was absolute madness (with a hint of blasphemy, just for Riley). The whole day was pandemonium, especially the part where we had 300 high school bodies to look after and then perform with. The halftime show went pretty well, even though we were really rushed. The guys barely got the podium up and hadn't even gotten to their spots yet when Samuels told me to start. Kinda stressful, but then we started the show, and it just worked. I think the crowd really dug it, expecially our wicked dance break. It just felt amazing to stand in front of such a great band and see and hear them perform to the stands. The rest of the day was so stressful, but those few minutes out there made is all so worth it.

Since then, band has been pretty calm. Next week starts our performances again, so I know the chaos will kick back in. Bring it on.

School is harder than I expected it to be this semester, and oddly I'm doing the best in my toughest class and worst in my easiest. Made an A on a paper I wrote in one night, something I'm pretty proud and ashamed of at the same time. Hopefully it'll never come to that again-at least not this semester. Most of the busy work is just reading, so it's not too bad. It's just hard finding time for everything. Just a little over 2 months left, though, so I can make it.

Ok so there are alot more things in my head that need to be shared, but my eyes won't stay open. I'm gonna take advantage of a good sleep while I can. More later. Have a wonderful weekend!

8:51pm: Nice
    Had my lunch date today, and it was very nice. A pleasant experience. It wasn't amazing, and it wasn't terrible. It wasn't even bad. Conversation was interesting, the food was delicious, but the connection really wasn't there. But how cool that I actually went on a date with a stranger (....hmmm that actually sounds kinda creepy...). I know it happens all the time, but not to me, and I welcomed the adventure. I just had alot of fun meeting a new person and talking geeky barista talk.

    The week's almost over, and my nerves have calmed down considerably. I know they'll wake up again as soon as I'm done writing this 3-5 page paper due tomorrow, but I'll just appreciate this false sense of security while it lasts. Band has gone pretty well this week, and the energy is already building up for game day. It's going to be an insanely long day, but just knowing that afterwards I'll get to sleep in a ridiculously soft bed and eat glorious buttery pancakes with my fam makes it all bearable.

    And now I'm off to begin my first all-night-write-athon of FA' 07. Wish me luck!
 

10:30pm: So it begins...
    My first week of sheer chaos. First game is Saturday, but so much else has to happen before I can even think about being nervous for that, so I'll worry about that later. Right now I should be completing two take-home quizzes for american lit., studying for a linguistics quiz, writing 3-5 pages about hidden meanings in one Shakespeare sonnet, completing phonetic transcriptions, and practicing for bassoon lessons tomorrow morning. That actually doesn't look as bad as it sounded in my head. Fun stuff.

    I'm doing better since the last post. Things will be alright in time, and I think we're ok. Band drama might get out of hand, but I've just gotta let it go.

     Saturday morning, Misti and I explored pepper place farmer's market. It was so amazing! So many local farmers and artists and delicious free samples. There was something so quaint and awesome about buying my food from the people who grew it, talking produce and swapping recipes with vendors, and buying a freshly-picked bouquet of sunflowers and sweet basil at 7 a.m. It just felt great to get out and explore. I also discovered some volunteer and internship opportunities with a charity that works with deaf children and a local green house, both of which sound incredible.

    Misti and I have started a two-girl cooking club. Once a week, one of us has the other over for a potluck dinner of sorts. We both love cooking, and we also love having someone to cook for. I'm enjoying getting to know her and to finally meet someone that goes to bed earlier than me.

    I've also started a band Bible study. I actually just proposed the initial idea, and the rest of the people came up with tons of cool plans for it. Our first meeting is tomorrow nite, and i'm so stoked about it. Everybody really wanted to have a separate guys and girls study, which makes me excited to know that I'll get to bond with some sisters. A couple people really showed interest in having praise and worship time too which rocked my face off! This just feels like it's a good thing to do right now. I love hanging out with bandies, and having this kind of fellowship is going to be even better.

       And the last thing to tell is something that's making me almost as nervous as dancing on a podium, and that is that I have a date. A real live date. Holy cow. I'm excited and terrified. It's only a lunch date because he works nites, so if it's a total failure, at least it will be short-lived. And if it's not a failure...well that'd just be pretty cool. I met him saturday morning at  Whole Foods. He made me a wicked cappuccino, and we had some good barista and literature conversation in the process. A few minutes later, we almost (literally) ran into each other in the tea aisle. Good chai tea and band (former tuba player...hmmm...) conversation ensued, yaddah yaddah yaddah, and now we're having lunch on wednesday. He seemed very genuine, had a nice smile, and laughed easily. So...I'm pretty much in constant geek-out mode until wednesday afternoon, and then all of the rest of the insanity can take back over as it pleases.

    Ok I lied, I have one more thing. Went to huntsville on saturday to see my amazing sister teach at her dance studio. She did an awesome job, and I got a great bellydancing workout in, and she's inspired me to start taking lessons here (when I find the time....so probably in 3 years). It was a wonderful day spent with mom, liz, and jason, and I'm so glad I got to hang out with them before the madness (and blasphemy, just for Riley) ensues.

    Homework can wait. Time for sleep. Have a great monday!

6:14pm: You'll be fine tomorrow, the sun will rise
    I've tried to explain this in several different ways, but nothing seems to work well, so I'll just say it: I hurt.

    I hurt very much, and I haven't felt this much pain in a long time. Give me a break, we're all allowed a lame emo entry every once in a while. And here's mine. I've dealt with alot of things these past few weeks that I might've been able to handle had they not all snuck up and tackled me together. Boo teamwork.

    So let's face some facts: I suck at my job. I didn't want to believe it, but it's kinda hard to get around. I'm not the drum major I thought I was going to be, and it really hurts to know that I'm letting the band down. It's very tough to face 180 people and feel their disappointment in you. I just feel terrible that I've done nothing but let them down so far. It's even harder that while facing those 180 people, you know there is one person you're not facing who is burning a whole in the back of your head with all of the contempt she feels for your inferiority. It'd be easy to continue on in more detail, but I'll just suffice it to say that even though I've never encontered a dementor, I bet I know exactly how it feels. "Like all the happiness has gone from the world forever." Ok that might be giving her too much credit, but you get the idea.

    I've been coping pretty decently with band stuff. It'll pass, and things will improve. But I've had to deal with something a little tougher than that, and I'm not dealing so well. It's a pretty easy situation to understand, but I don't want to accept it. I took our friendship for granted, I'll admit that, but I'm not ready to let go of it, and clearly they are. It would somehow ease the pain to say I knew things couldn't stay the same, but I honestly didn't know that. I believed with all of my heart that we could and would stay close friends after the breakup, after everything we went through together. I was ready for this next challenge, after the healing process, the dating of new people. I want to be able to rejoice for you and with you when you find someone special and vice versa. I don't want to be seen as that clingy ex-girlfriend, but as a dear friend who truly wants you to be happy.

   So what do I do? Do I give you your space or do I fight for you? As a friend, I want to fight. I want to show you we can be the exception and beat the odds. As a friend, I don't want to let go. That's just my selfish friend-stinct kicking in, though. As a person who wants you to be happy, I know I should leave you alone and just make things easier for you. It's hard feeling so conflicted. When I think about it so much (like I've done these past few days), it leaves me sitting in silent exhaustion, feeling very helpless.

When I'm in that state, though, a quiet voice of reason says that there's no point fighting for something if both people don't want it, else I'll just end up fighting you. And I can't do that, because despite all of this, I still respect you and care about you more than I can say.

    But  I guess it's time to stop fighting. I'll leave you alone and not bother you about this anymore. I wish you all the best of luck in everything you do, and I know you're going to do so many amazing things.

    I would greatly appreciate some prayer and positive thoughts if you get a chance. I promise to return the favor.

11:43am: One down, 15 weeks left
    Happy first friday! Only american lit and band left. I think I'm really going to enjoy my classes. As gruesome as they can sound (reading/writing/and reasearch...yuck), my professors seem fair, and I know at least one person in every class. The only professor I can't quite figure out yet reminds me a bit of Prof. Umbridge ("Hands please, children!"), but I won't assume the worst yet. Wind symphony and symphony band are always an interesting change of pace from marching band, and the big challenge there is sitting still for 3 1/2 hours.

    Not much to report on. Dorm life is great compared to all that I dealt with last year. I haven't seen or heard my neighbors yet, and the only loud noises are the garbage trucks at 3 am, but I can handle that. I love sitting on my balcony and admiring my one sweet tree and my grorious parking deck. I've been struck with the incredible urge to make a tin can phone-line to throw across the way and just see who'll pick up when they see me calling. Maybe someday.

    Marching band is a challenge as I knew it would be, but I feel like I'm dealing pretty well. It's hard accepting the fact that I can't win against Samuels. Like my boss this summer, if I ask for instructions, then clearly I'm not competent enough to do things on my own. If I don't ask, then clearly I'm trying to take over her band and ruin everything. Whenever she does get me down, though, I've been very blessed to have such great people there that bring me back up. As cheezy as it is, I've never been more grateful for all the random high-five's and positive feedback from people I never expected them from. I'm so thankful for Sara, that we are in this together and that she's always got my back. So many people have such great attitudes this year, and their good energy definitely beats the bad.

    I feel like I've become more trusting of God too recently. For the first time in my life, I've reached the point where I realize I can't do it all on my own, that I truly do need Him. And it's just amazing to know that He's there for me no matter how much I hurt. I'm trying to be an example of Jesus everyday, and I know I fall short all the time, but it's ok, because the point is to try as hard as I can and keep pressing on.

     Pep band in the morning and then nothing until Sunday afternoon. Weekends like this are soon to be far and few between, so I'm going to take it in and enjoy it as much as possible. Have a great one!

12:08pm: Less talk, more rock
   So my face got rocked off this week. Yep. Plain and simple. Band camp is over!!! Oh my goodness! I survived! I couldn't comprehend it yesterday, but it just sunk in, and now I just want to do my happy geek dance. Everything just went amazingly better than I expected. We hit a couple of low spots during the week, but getting done several hours early and performing at the exhibition made up for them. And amazingly, Samuels never broke me this week. Not implying that I'm just that tough, just that she didn't try hard enough. Clearly, it's not my time yet to get that infamous public verbal beat-down that i've been dreading. We have pregame and the opener on the field, and the band sounds good. I mean really, really good. I wouldn't go as far as freakishly good, but you get the idea.

    I guess you can't have band without band drama, and we definitely had plenty of it this week. But the coolest thing happened  that I had wanted but not expected. Sara (the other drum major) and I became really close which makes me happier than anything else in band right now (well, besides not getting yelled at by Samuels yet). I was worried we weren't going to gel, but we really hit it off. She's been so patient with me learning the ropes and protective of me to the boss lady. No matter what else happens this season, I'll always be so grateful for the new friendship I've found.

    After the exhibition, mom and jp took me to one of the happiest places on earth to do some much-needed grocery shopping. I went to see Doug perform at a coffee shop (which he did wonderfully at), then the parents and I went to the Highlands restaurant. Holy crap. It was such an incredible meal that we experienced a different emotion with every dish. Some were so amazing we just had to sit in silent reverence after the first bite, others made us laugh they were so absurdly good. The grilled figs wrapped in prosciutto were a taste revelation, and the pecan/fig cheesecake was nothing short of a religious experience. Jp was so appreciative that he wanted to say grace over every course lol. I know I sound a bit ridiculous describing it all, but after a week of dehydration and near-delirium, I wanted to give that dinner the nobel peace prize. I'm just so grateful that we can go out every once and a while and treat ourselves to something so decadent and delicious.

    Reality is going to hit hard on wednesday, that I'm actually here to do more than eat good food and hang out with band people all the time. But if these past two weeks are any indication of what this new school year's going to be like, I'm going to have to invest in some spare faces because mine will definitely be getting rocked off quite frequently.

    My room is already a mess, so I'm going to clean and then go to the band picnic. Have a wonderful Sunday!

9:56am: "Detail, Pelvic Thrust"
So it began yesterday. And it won't stop for 4 months. But I made it through the first day without curling up into the fetal position, so I think I'm gonna make it . Working with the rookies was alot of fun, kind of embarrassing when I said a few wildly inappropriate things over the loud speaker, but I think it broke the ice and made Sara and I a little less nervous. And now all the rookies will definitely remember good posture. Oh well.

I felt pretty confident last nite because it was just Sara, Janetta, and me. Samuels wasn't there to verbally annhillate me when I messed up. But I'm going to have to get used to working around her sometime. I suppose that'll be today. Have a great Monday!

10:43am: Ham is where the heart is
I'm back in the Ham, and all seems well. Moved in without much difficulty. The RA I met said Denman is known as the Grandma dorm, and I can see why: it's old, has a very interesting smell, and it goes to bed around 8:30. But I love my space already. 3rd floor, corner room, with a lovely view of a parking deck and an even more perfect view of the sunset. In the two days I've been here, I've already fixed a broken fridge and an oven, so needless to say I feel very accomplished...and smart for knowing where the circuit breaker is.

Done a little running since I've been here, but even the mornings are smotheringly hot. Can't get into the rec. center til lclasses start, but at least I have lots of space to jump around in my room.

I wasn't nervous about band camp until this morning when I suddenly misplaced all my confidence I've been storing up all summer. Feeling a little uncertain, but I'm better now because Sara and I are meeting in a bit to practice, plan, strategize, something, anything to prep for next week. I think I'll go early and practice bassoon. So many things I already need to do, but I've just gotta take it one moment at a time. 

More later. Have a wonderful day!    

6:06pm: One down
One more band camp to go. I'm so excited! This week has rekindled my love affair with all things marching band. Their music is absurd. It's obscene. This will be the best show they've ever done period, and I'm blessed to have gotten to help them learn it. All the kids really stepped it up this week. I'm so proud!!!

These camps I've been teaching have really psyched me up for uab. For the first time, I felt so solid teaching music. I felt really confident helping the rookies learn basic marching skills, and I feel like we had some major breakthroughs in some areas. Daddy Patty said he saw that I've really grown in my teaching which made me giggle like a little school girl. Possibly the best thing, though, was when Waters told me I should tryout for corps again. He and John Byrd (with a combinatioin of Phantom, Scouts, and Cadets between them lol) said I was an intelligent conductor and that they thought I could make it. I was floored! I have one year left before I age out, and I feel like I owe to myself to try as hard as i can to do this. 

Three days left in the shoals, and I've got to start packing. It's been such a great summer, but I'm very ready to get this fall going. 

It's my first free nite in a week, so I'm putting on some swanky clothes and flip-flops (I forget how wonderful flip-flops are until I've spent a week outside sweating profusely in sneaks) and headin out for a final friday in the shoals. Have a great weekend!  

9:59pm: Some crazy good things

So I have to share some news that I've had to keep secret for a few weeks now....

I'm going to be an AUNT!

More importantly... LIZZY'S GONNA BE A MOM!!!! HOLY CRAP!!!!

She had her first ultrasound today and since she gave the official news about an hour ago online, I can officially tell every person I run into for the next 9 months. This is going to rock.

In slightly less awesome news, I got all the way up to 5 miles running with Patrick. I never thought I could ever do that much, and it was one of the more amazing moments in my life. Unfortunately, it's taken my legs a little while to heal, so I'm only trying 3 miles at a time so as not to hurt myself anymore.

In slightly more lame news, I found out I have tendonitis in my left hand/wrist and possibly the right. Not cool at all. The doc said it was very mild and gave me some nice drugs that will hopefully help me alot before band begins. 

It's weird to think I've been reading the HP books for a decade now. I bought the final book last saturday morning and finished right before the sun came up sunday. I'm still trying to grasp what happened. Wow. I started crying almost as soon as I started reading because I never realized what this story really meant to me. Mom's next friday column sums it all up more eloquently, so I won't try.

Only two more days left at McGraw's. Melissa (my boss) and I have really connected. Minus our little spat earlier this summer, we have really bonded. I've never met a person (outside of mom and sis) that really has my sense of humor and personality. Jess's last day is tomorrow, and then she has to head back to LSU. Once again, UNA royally screwed up someone's credits, and the best thing for her is to just go back and finish in LA. I"m going to miss her so much. Sounds very cheezy,  but she's been such an inspiration to me this summer. She's taught me alot about making jewelry, running, and eating healthier. She invited to come hang out with her in New Orleans and Baton Rouge whenever we both have free weekends. I'm definitely gonna take her up on that because I've always wanted to see those cities plus I really want this friendship to grow.

Drum camp went extremely well. This is the best pit I've seen in several years at the high school. They know the whole stinkin' show already, and the music is unreal. All based on Beethoven's 5th. I can't wait for band camp next week!

Speaking of band camp, I've gotta get ready to head back to the Ham. I'm leaving on the 7th to move into my dorm early so I can help prep for our band camp. I feel very ready to head back to school even though this has been a very wondrerful summer.

TIme for some sleep so I can rock my last friday-of-work's face off.

9:08pm: That just happened.

I keep trying to type how giddy I am, but  nothing seems to capture what I'm trying to convey. 

I ran 3.7 miles.

I RAN 3.7 MILES.

Just in case you missed my last post, that's one mile more than I could do this weekend. Take that, me of several days ago!

Patrick and I took on Diebert Park, and we owned it. This feels amazing!! I just...can't even begin to describe how great I feel, so I'll just stop. I'm also enjoying my little rewards program. The first milestone, I chose food. This one called for something more permanent, so I splurged on a gorgeous pair of most-definitely-NOT-running shoes :-) 

Something else cool? I haven't shown my earrings to the boutique owner I mentioned last time, but the woman who owns the really cool interior decorating shop next door (High Cotton) saw my boss wearing a pair I made her and wants to start selling my work! She said she really wants to show off local artists (her words, not mine lol) which made me giddy as a little school girl. So now I get to make a lot of earrings for her this weekend and come up with a cool name for my stuff in addition to what I was going to show Melissa at Lily's.. Any suggestions? 

Time to try and get in bed early and let my body rest. Happy rest of!

6:42pm: Hecks to the stinkin' yes
I DID IT.

I RAN THE WHOLE TRAIL.

MY FEET MOVED REALLY FAST FOR 2.75 STINKIN MILES.

Holy crap!!! I'm so happy! I know that doesn't sound like a lot to celebrate about, but for someone who hasn't attempted to run since 8th grade volleyball, I'm pretty proud. It just feels amazing to set and achieve such a tangible goal. We pushed really hard the last little bit, and when we stopped I lost all ability to move my legs, so Patrick had to carry me to the car. But after I got past the puking feeling, I felt great. We rewarded ourselves with some sushi and that crazy Spanish movie Pan's Labrynth. Anybody seen this (besides you, Liz.)? It's beautifully made, quite brutal, but still very good. 

I should've rested today, but I really wanted to push past 3 miles. We barely got 1, and my ankle started killing me. I'm going to lay off it a day or two, but now the new goal is set, and the challenge is on. 

I forgot to write about something pretty cool in my last post. Last weekend, my dad and I took a motorcycle ride up to see his parents in my hometown in TN. He and I haven't hung out alone in a long time, and I haven't been back to Athens in years. It was a surprisingly good trip. Six hours both ways, and there's not that much talking that can be done on a bike, but I feel like we still bonded. Riding through the mountains of GA and TN was so incredible. It wasn't too miserably hot, and the scenery was beautiful. Sunday coming back we rode through the crazy storms that hit huntsville and decatur. Dangerous but exhilirating. All in all, I just had a very fun time being with my dad which makes me happy to say.

It's odd to look at this summer and realize I've worked every weekday nearly 8 hours a day. My first full-time job, and it's made my summer fly by which makes me want to find a job I can do the rest of my life and be happy to do. Only 4 weeks left til I'm back in the ham, and I've still got so much to accomplish. I've missed it though, and I'm really excited about going back with some new perspectives, attitudes, and hobbies. 

Speaking of hobbies, I'm gonna make a great variety of earrings to show Melissa at the boutique and see if she'll sell my stuff. Wish me luck!

10:12am: Lucky number 7

Ahhh I love having nothing to do on a Saturday. This week wore me out, and I barely got two hours of sleep several times. I don't know what goes on with this body of mine, and why it chooses to be crazy every once in a while, but that's its deal. not mine.

So here's the few things that have been going on with me: 

Running- I've tried to run almost everyday. I'm up to 2 miles now, and Patrick and I are going to run the TVA trail today. It's 2 3/4 miles, and I'm determined to finish it. I also treated myself to some very good running shoes which have made running very much less painful. 

Work-I'm still loving my job, and it seems to be improving as my time there is coming to a close. I've learned a lot about dealing with people which should come in very handy this fall...and the rest of my life. 

My wicked cool summer project- I've started making jewelry, and I actually like my stuff. I've only done earrings, but I think today's the day to venture out. Mom's been selling what I've made at the newspaper, and it's gone over really well. The owner of our favorite boutique here said to make a variety for her, and she might even pick up my "line." How cool! I love making unique designs for people, and it's become very therapeutic. Fun stuff.

The summer's winding down very rapidly. I'm fairly on track with my goals, which I'll proudly share on here once I've achieved them. I'm off to do absolutely nothing. Have a great day! 

10:53pm: Le sigh of relief
     So Friday was not as gruesome as it could've been. We talked as soon as I came into work, and things are ok now. Of course it was painfully awkward around them all day, but she let me off early, so the uncomfiness didn't last long. We also had a new girl start, Jess, and she seems pretty stinkin cool. She transferred from LSU to UNA to take care of her grandparents, so I'm the only person she's met her age here. We went to see the third pirates movie and hung out at Rivertown like all of the other cool emo/indie/scene kids. The movie was baffling but enjoyable, and I think Jess and I might become pretty good friends. 

     Today was my first makeup-free day in a long time. Very sad, I know, but it's become one of my crutches. I've always felt so exposed without all that junk on my face, and I'm tired of it. My skin's been in full-on open rebellion for a while now, and it's kind of pointless trying to hide it. And maybe my face is just tired of all of the toxic waste I pile onto it everyday. Sorry, face. I feel pretty shallow devoting a whole paragraph to my makeup woes, but I wrote all of this to say that I started to feel ok about how I looked without painting on my face. I don't know who I've been trying to impress...ok, I know exactly who I've been trying to impress, and there's my problem right there. It's time to start just being grateful that I even have a face to have acne on. A guy who's really interested in me is not gonna like me for my looks anyway, so it shouldn't be such a big deal.

     And speaking of guys....well there's really nothing to speak of. I feel pretty good about where I'm at right now. (It does freak me out occassionally that so many people my age are engaged and getting married, but hey, if they're ready for it, then good for them.) All I do is work, and since most of the guys that come into the shop are either married or senior citizens (or both), there's really not alot of temptation there. This summer's giving me a lot of time to think about what I'm really looking for, what I really want and need. And of course it's very easy to be rational and certain of myself when there's no one asking me out, but I hope I keep this certainty up when/if someone does. 

    Time for some sleep. Take care!

10:11pm: It's funny

      It's funny how I got chewed out at work today for doing something I've seen the other employee doing everyday since I started here. Actually it's not funny. It's interesting. It's odd. It's frustrating. It's...sad. And it made me sad, so much so that I left work in tears today. My boss and I are going to discuss it tomorrow.  Hopefully I can present my side without the phrases "Well, SHE does it all the time!" and "It's just not fair!!!" escaping my lips in a moment of fury and futility. 

      It just feels like I haven't been able to do anything right lately. If I ask the boss if she needs help, she gets annoyed that I ask her so many times; if I don't ask, she thinks i'm lazy. I can't find the balance which is incredibly unsettling. It hurt something awful to hear her say how disappointed she was in me. I almost wanted to laugh at how absurd her accusations were, but that definitely would not have helped me. And as I could feel the tears coming, all I could think was how much I'm gonna have to learn to suck it up because there will be no mercy this fall. I am going to be yelled at endlessly for things that are my fault and aren't, and I'm going to have to learn to walk/shake/brush it off as fast as I possibly can. There's no crying in band. There's no crying in band!!!

      Gah just that feeling. I hate that feeling of disappointment. To know I've let someone down even if I didn't realize I was doing it. And sure I could blame it on the example set by the girl who has been working there longer, but I'm supposed to set an example too. My work ethic should be outstanding even if nobody's watching. I'm just going to have to accept the blame and try harder...not to let the (wo)man keep me down.

      In cooler news, I've started running again. Again, because I used to be all up in some cross country when I was a youngun and 20 pounds lighter. I never realized how much running is a mental thing. I can tolerate the pain, but making myself pick my feet up and move  is a challenge when my brain is trying to argue that I will still get from point A to point B by walking slowly. It feels amazing when I can go a little longer everytime, when I can make it through another song on my ipod without stopping (thanks again, Doug, for such a wicked gift). The coolest thing is that I'm enjoying it, and I'm enjoying this healthier way to vent. Like today, I didn't want to sit around and eat chocolate after being upset; I wanted to run as fast and as hard as I could. My body wanted to move, and I wasn't about to argue with it. Now clearly I'm not marathon material or anything, but I want this, and I'm ready to work for it.

     I'm feeling better about work, but I know tomorrow's gonna be hard. I wouldn't be against some prayer and positive thoughts :-)

9:18pm: Boring

I wish I had lots of interesting things to update about, but my life is basically just work right now. I've developed a rotten habit of just crashing in front of the tv after work for several hours and zoning out. I'm wasting what little free time I have with the most mind-numbing junk, so I'm determined to change it.

I'm also determined to do better at work. I need to think kinder thoughts and try harder to do my best. It's so easy to just half-heartedly do everything, but it's starting to bring me down. Last week I was in such a blah state all the time. It's time to smack myself out of it.

God's been wrestling with my heart too. Wow...I never thought how weird of an expression that is...hmm. Anyway, I'm frustrated that I'm not where I want to be spiritually, but I'm thankful that I'm not complacent about my walk either. I need to trust God more and rely on him more. It's so easy to say that I can't do things without His help, but to actually believe it and rely on Him desperately is taking some getting used to.

Battery's about to die, so I'm gonna go workout. Take care!